Authenticity, what is it really? pt. 2

The last time we talked about authenticity, I mentioned that there is a conundrum that occurs for people that are outside the realm of what we call “normal”. Those of us that have experienced ongoing mental trauma or have a neurodivergence that has not been well supported.

We spoke about how those of us in those scenarios end up being taught that authenticity looks like one thing conforming to another in order to look like a replica of something else.

Basically what this means is that we were not allowed to be who we are in all our odd and non-normative glory (the opposite of my dog above, who is unfailingly herself in all situations, like it or not).

What this means for us is that we do not get to develop a sense of who WE really are. We live our lives trying so hard to replicate something we are not that oftentimes we can pass for at least some version of what we are taught we must be.

I see this in many areas of life. We see this in people that are diagnosed in adulthood as autistic or adhd, or a myriad of varying “conditions”. People that may have never considered this for themselves before. People whose communities never would’ve guessed they are neurodivergent. People whose communities may not be surprised because, no matter how hard they tried to “fit”, they just couldn’t.

We see this in people raised with a variety of belief systems. And I see this across all settings: in culture, creed, philosphy, faith, science, etc. A person raised in a system that does not allow for differences. A child that cannot chose another frame of thought/being. A child that cannot be allowed to believe in anything outside the accepted values of the family. A child that must be whatever someone else wants them to be despite their true selves. A child that cannot blow the whistle on the culture within their family system.

So we are taught to mask. Kids then often act as though they follow the “culture, creed, philosphy, faith, science, etc” of their family of origin just to reject those things as soon as they are “free”. Adults that begin to realize that they are not who they are.

Wait Kayleen, what do you mean “adults that begin to realize that they are not who they are”?

I mean there are many of us that have been so vehemently taught to mask that we get to a place where we simply CANNOT mask anymore. In that moment, we realize we have been replicas of a society that we do not match on the inside.

Let’s take that “authentic reproduction of a colonial farmhouse” idea again. An authentic replica STILL is not the original building. The parts cannot be dated to the same time and era of the original. It may have been built using different methods and means. It may look newer. There are ways in which it is DIFFERENT.

There are those of us who make it to adulthood before realizing that we are replicas of an original. Or we do not realize to what extent we have been replicas. Most of us have always known we were different but never had the safe space to figure out why and how.

So what now? What do you do when YOU are the one realizing that YOU have been an authentic “replica” and not an authentic “you”?

Well, I just had someone suggest something to me that seems too simple but it is a great place to start:

“Start with the small things. Favorite foods, smells, places. Favorite art mediums, favorite music, favorite sounds. Favorite people, animals, activities.”

-anonymous

The “small things” are ESPECIALLY important if you are realizing this after ANY sort of a meltdown. If you have recently had a neurodivergent or mental health breakdown/meltdown/burnout, etc, you MUST start slow. I know it is not usually my way to tell people HOW to do things, but this is very important. My friends, if you are in this place, it is very important that you seek the right methods to healing. I highly recommend therapy through betterhelp, my therapist is there and she is amazing.

I will talk about some other ways to help yourself along in future posts as well. I will also be sharing events that will be very helpful for all of us in our journeys as well! If you are not comfortable with “therapy”, please reach out to me for coaching services. Check out my services here.

Be Well, Beautiful Friends!

-Kayleen Soden, Wellness Coach