What Does It Look Like to Be Authentic in a System?

I want to make sure I take some time to explain something that I believe very firmly and want to make sure previous writings of mine are not misunderstood. 

As I have been contemplating the self and expression of self, I have discussed with you how our true selves can be stifled by the construct in which we grew up. Rigid rules and strict expectations to adhere to a specific set of rules, beliefs, etc (as well as straight out abuse/childhood trauma) can stunt or completely restrict the formation of self. Even if the genetics are not present for there to be mental illness within the self, there is a high likelihood of it forming due to the nurture perspective. 

Now, today’s society sometimes takes freedom of expression to the extent that it believes parents should allow their children complete freedom without any limits. This is not healthy. This creates a sense of entitlement and also hinders the formation of the self. It limits the self to feelings and emotions when there is so much more to self than those things. 

Healthy systems and parenting allows for choices but also sets limits and has a functional structure for teaching, instructing, and enforcing limits and boundaries. Healthy systems also provide love and nurturance and connection. These limits and boundaries, combined with love and connection, teach children that their identity is not in what they “should” be or what they “want” but in who they are. This gives them their own system in which to construct healthy values and beliefs.

Here are some examples of what freedom to express oneself looks like within a variety of constructs.

Let’s say your parents eat meat and you decide (as a child) to become a vegetarian or vegan. This is very important to you, as you have maybe formed a belief that it is wrong to eat animals. Your parents have the responsibility to consider your belief as well as their own beliefs and how they can reasonably accommodate you. Your parents may think it is a stage that you will grow out of, etc. But the healthy way for them to deal with this would be to discuss your desire and even give you choices on how to move forward. Let’s say they cannot financially support a fully vegan diet or do not have the means to learn how to raise a healthy vegan child (again, these are pretend scenarios). I believe that it would be important for the parent/child discussion to present the facts and give their child options. The fact in this case would be that they cannot afford to do this full time even though they would love to support you in this. So they present you with options of how many days per week they could afford it and ask you which days of the week you would like to eat this way. They could give you the choice to be vegetarian instead of vegan the rest of the days if it is financially feasible. But you have options and get to make choices within the means that your parents have to accommodate.

Another scenario to consider is parents with rules about certain types of language within the home. They have the right to ask you not to swear within their home. Maybe the genre of music you like has swearing in it. You and your parents may discuss your listening to said music away from the home. Or your parents may choose to support your style of music and introduce options to you that do not involve swearing. Depending on your parents belief system, they may choose one or the other and either would be appropriate for your freedom of self expression. This does not mean you cannot be yourself around your parents. This means that there is a thing you like that they feel differently about.

Yet another scenario would be allowing questions about the family system, belief, etc. Healthy parents allow questions and healthy doses of questioning. Inquisitive children typically have intricate minds that need to be met with nurture and confidence. (Confidence is not the same as arrogance, nor the same as forced conformity. Those are both fear based.) These healthy parents will stand on what they believe to be the truth while giving their child space to explore. In this phase of exploration, the child will test the boundaries of the system as well as their own beliefs until they find a place to settle. Healthy parents may grieve the choices their child has made, if they do not line up with their own, and they may not affirm their child’s choices but they will continue to love and support their child.

When children are not given these opportunities, they develop coping mechanisms that help them survive the rigid system in which they live; but ultimately these coping mechanisms will hinder them. These coping mechanisms become dysfunctional once they are no longer in the system where they developed, and can be crippling on a holistic level.